When faced with the possibility of breast cancer, what does one do? Simply wait for the appointment to determine if the current life becomes a train wreck or continues as normal?

Tues, March 22nd, I go at 2:30pm for additional mammogram screening with possible ultrasound to determine if a spot found on my initial mammogram is indeed cancer. Before I leave I will know the answer. While that is comforting, it is as comforting as seeing a shark in the water and wondering if it is headed your way or moving along elsewhere.

For the life of me, I cannot determine what in this world has led me to this point. Childless, not by choice. Suffered miserably for years with endometriosis. Struggled to adapt to multiple severe food allergies. Most recently, being diagnosed with more food allergies and with a nasty infection in my sinus cavity or between sinus and throat.

While my husband remains my cheerleader that my bus is not headed off the cliff, I wonder. Could it be cancer. Why would I have cancer. There is no history of cancer in my family. I have led a good life, aside from my love of wine. What karma has led me to this moment?

I have taught more than 600 sixth graders. Perhaps a few made voodoo dolls of me and this is the outcome of their dedication. Perhaps working at a middle school for five years of toxic waste leads one to this moment. Although I do not glow in the dark.

Guess this is time to state my life in facts. I am 47 years old. I do not have children. I used to love being an aunt. I married the love of my life and he is such an amazing man. My parents are still living. I was raised like a dog and was obedient to a military asshole father. I have asthma. I have severe food allergies. I am obese and could definitely lose 80 pounds. I have good intentions, with little to no follow through. I use too many commas. I miss teaching to the point that thinking of it can result in instant tears. I have been bullied. I have been the white girl that was the minority in the room on many occasions. I have seen many hispanic girls who do not want to learn as they were raised that their only purpose was to grow up and have children. I have worked with disabled children who overcame such obstacles to learn. I discovered that children do not have to look at your face to understand you and those with autism cannot process your facial expressions while trying to decipher what you are saying. I have hugged children when it was not allowed. I have given my heart and received so much in return. I miss many of my former students and wish we were still in touch. I have made friends. I have made enemies by just being myself. I have always wanted to write a book or two. I absolutely positively love music. I love the beach. I love going to the beach with my husband and puppy. I love watching my husband cook.

So on this eve of the ominous appointment.... please dear lord let it not be cancer. Let it not be nail in my coffin. Let it not be a detour on the current path of my life,